Sleeplessness.

My sleep cycle is all sorts of muffed up. Then I had to add insult to injury and have a turboized iced coffee (iced coffee with double shot of espresso) around 8 tonight. In addition, my mind is racing like crazy. I get night anxiety really. Everything irritates me at night. Even my skin gets itchy..it's bizzarre. I guess I should really start on the zoloft/xanax thing now that i'm not pregnant anymore. Maybe I'd be able to sleep well. Right now, I almost can't sleep at all. Which gives my mind time to wander, and bring me places I don't want it to go. Lonely faces.

I suppose I didn't tell you all about the "Show Down" with Paulo, and how that all went. Well, Scot and I were supposed to meet him at a local brazilian restaurant to talk. Right away, I felt it wasn't on neutral turf. It is, after all, the same restaurant we met in. And it's a BRAZILIAN restaurant, and God knows, he knows half the Brazilian people in CT. So...as back up (Since Scot was supposed to be playing neutral) I brought Gabriel. Not to interfere, but just to sit with me, lending silent support. And, to be the shoulder in case I fell apart after it all. Anyway, Wagner was NOT supposed to come, although I had alot to get off my chest with him, too. He still hadn't explained, why he'd dropped off the face of the earth after my abortion, after all. Incidentally, I guess I should say at this point, that Scot had already told Paulo I had the abortion. I wasn't pleased. I would have rather had the opportunity to explain in my OWN words, and I most certainly wasn't about to go into great details in a crowded public restaurant. So there's another thing I feel kind of robbed about (Sorry, Scot..but it's true. That one was a hard pill to swallow, and it keeps coming back up once in a while.). It was my story. Scot has a tendency to minimize things. And this SPECIFIC thing, would have been somewhat minimized anyway, since nobody knows what it feels like until you're walking in those shoes anyway. So it probably came off sounding..well..NOT how it really was. Anyway, that started it off on uncomfortable footing. I thought i'd just see paulo, get everything off my chest about how he'd been mucking around in my life since we stopped talking to eachother, how I expected him to just walk on, and act like he didn't know me, not try to destroy my friendships and reputation. I expected to just have it out with him, and leave. Well..No such luck. Paulo, or Wagner, decided that they would do better facing me as a team (Well, Duh!), and so they BOTH came. They sat on one side of the table, Gabriel and I on the other. And stared eachother down. They both ordered beer. In fact, Paulo kind of forced Wagner to order beer, as if to say "You're going to need it after this". Yeah..I know..I have that effect on people.

Paulo right away, had a HUGE chip on his shoulder. Looking everywhere but in my eyes. Listening to everything, BUT me. Looking ALL around the room, to tell me quite clearly "I don't give a shit what you're thinking or feeling. I don't want to be here". Here and there, he would come to attention. Usually when I was saying something he didn't like or agree with. Then he would lean into the table, as if to intimidate me. And say "What did you say?" several times, playing the intimidation game. Meanwhile, at first, Wagner just sat there, staring into his beer. And then I turned to him and said.."So..where were you on the night of my abortion, when you'd promised to be there for me.". The truth? He was at Paulo's house, getting drunk. Oh..did I mention that Wagner had told me just a week or so before, that Paulo had told him he didn't want us to be friends anymore..that if Wagner continued talking to me, Paulo wouldn't be his friend? Yeah. Wagner told me that. In fact, I was SO upset that night, that I called Paulo just about 48 hours after, to tell him all I wanted, was peace between us. I apologized for whatever I'd done wrong, and told him I forgave him for whatever he did wrong, but that I was going through a really hard time, and didn't need the added stress of worrying about what he was thinking, or saying about me..and so I just wanted peace.

Anyway..yeah..so..Wagner was at Paulo's house, getting drunk. The night he said he'd be there for me, as my friend, after my abortion. And he didn't call me the next day. Or the one after that, either. He avoided my calls, entirely. No matter HOW much pain I was in, and HOW much I needed friends, he just..walked away.

So anyway, I found out the truth. I asked him how he could do that..go get drunk on that night, when he promised he'd stay with me for three measley hours while Scot went to Mens Group. His excuse was that he misunderstood me, and thought that the men would be at Scots house, and he didn't want to come there drunk. Which is COMPLETE B.S. Because if that were the case, why on earth would I be worried about being alone? Duh. So..that was the first indication that I had, that this was NOT going to go my way. I wasn't going to get honesty from these guys. And it all went down hill from there. I turned to Paulo then. "Why did you give wagner an ultimatum like that? I was pregnant, Paulo. I was VERY sick, and very hurting, and very confused. HOW could you tell him to stop being my friend at a time like that?". Paulo, of course, denied the whole thing. And then Wagner denied the whole thing. "He never told me that!". "You're LYING" I shouted back. "No, I'm not!". he defended "Then you lied the night you told me that" I accused. "I never SAID that". Oh my freaking God. He sat there, looking at me with a confident sneer on his face. Knowing he was lying. He was smiling, because he KNEW He was lying. And PAULO was defending him. "You have no proof to give me of what he said. I don't know that he said that. I never said it. You have no proof of nothing". So that's how it was going to go down, I saw. I stared in wonder, back and forth at the two of them. Granted, Paulo screwed up and basically admitted what he'd done, when he accused me of something similar. And Wagner came off looking like an idiot, as far as I'm concerned. Because there was just absolutely NO good reason for what HE did. Besides, Paulo really didn't know that Wagner and I were still screwing around. Granted, he said (somewhat heatedly) "I don't care WHAT kind of relationship the two of you have...". (betraying jealousy in his tone) So hopefully, he took that into account, and realized that Wagner hides ALOT from him, so..oh..I dunno..maybe the boy can't be entirely trusted? But they just sat there. The inpenetrable wall. The both of them, lying for eachother. It was clear, by the way, who was whose bitch at the table. Wagner looked like a wayward stray puppy, tail between his legs, tagging along after Paulo. While Paulo came off like the fierce mother tiger, protecting HER young. It was surreal. I had this detached feeling, as if it was all coming out of a movie. I couldn't believe that these two men, could be THIS dishonest. At some point, I just said exactly how I felt. You're both liars, you're both cruel. You both used me when it was convenient for you, and then threw me to the wolves, when I'd outlived my usefulness..."...basically (though in different words). I can't forgive you, for making promises, and not living up to them. I can't forgive you for lying tonight. I can't forgive you, for trying to hurt me at a time when I was SO vulnerable and weak. And for standing there now, and not giving a damn. By the way, when the old "I misunderstood" you line failed, wagner went for the "Did you think I HAD to be there? Like I was the baby's father or something". Nothing that night, made me want to slap him as badly as that. Scot was WITH me the night I found out exactly how far along I was. And he was WITH me when I called Wagner, and let him off the hook. Because I'd just discovered it wasn't his. I told wagner, releasing him from any responsibility, as SOON as I knew. Him saying that, was a calculated move. He said that, I think, because he'd probably told Paulo that he thought I was trying to frame him. Yeah..that's me. There were just too many times when Wagner had teasingly sung Michael Jackson "Billy Jean" for me NOT to think that he and his buddies, had been batting my predicament around like a big ball of yarn between kittens. Bastard. And somewhere during the evening, Paulo made some comment, while easing back in his chair and looking quite smug and relaxed, that it wasn't HIS job to forgive me for aborting my baby, but Gods. I wanted to kick him. If he knew ONE Thing about the bible, he'd have known that when you kick someone when their down, God kicks you right to hell. So screw him.

I finally just shook my head, picked up the check, went to pay. On the way out, Scot touched my arm and asked me if I was okay. I refused to even look at the boys. I just choked back my tears and said.."It's just going to take a LONG time". And I went to the register to pay, and walked outside. I sat against Scots car, smoking until everyone filed out of the restaurant. First Paulo, who had the nerve to come up to me, and put his arm around me, and to very insincerely say "I'm sorry for everything. As I said, if I hurt you, that was not what I wanted. I think this is all my fault (but he said it in that sarcastic tone), and I am sorry, can you please forgive me now?". And sad, pitiful, pathetic me, I leaned my head against his arm, for just a moment. My body, so weak, so weary, so broken and hurting in every fibre of my being, just leaned against him, for a moment. Though my mind said how much I hated him that night, my poor heart just couldn't fight anymore. It just wanted comfort...even from the one who'd brought some of my pain. I just nodded my head. Now exhausted. And he got into his car. Then Wagner. Who tried to do the same. But I jerked away from him. His betrayal was by far, the freshest. He just said.."Well, Jean, I have so much to say to you, but I don't have the words now." (I thought to myself, 'that's because the puppet master is over there, he can't play ventriloquist at the moment'). I'm so sorry for everything. I didn't know you still needed me (Umm..four days, past abortion. He didn't know? I'd been calling him for days, begging for a moment of his time..so depressed, so aching..for four days!). "Well..I am so sorry, for everything. I hope you feel better soon...". And then Paulo honked the horn. Before Wagner could say anything..I said.."You need to go. Paulo's calling for you.". In my most sneering tone. And Wagner trotted off, obedient bitch that he is.

The feeling of complete and utter hopelessness that assaulted me that night, was so hard to handle. I really was suicidal, for a few moments. I think being so shocked pulled me through it. But that was such a hard night, and I felt SO bereft afterward. Another of those moments where I thanked GOD for Gabriel being there. From the moment Scot confessed he had told Paulo about my abortion, to the moment we left, I could feel Gabriels presence on my side, radiating strength to me....saying "Do not lose your cool. Do not let them do this to you. Do not let them make you scream like a shrew. Do this with Grace.". And I think I managed it with just about as much grace as I could have.

Still..nights like this, I lay awake. Angry, and hurting, and feeling totally betrayed. Wondering if BESIDES Gabriel, if I can ever truly trust anyone again. I'm starting to hide ALOT more of myself from people. Except...like..when they read my journal. (ahem, certain someone!). But even that..i'm getting pretty..err...intelligent on. There are somethings I'll ONLY put in private mode now, so NOBODY can read. So I'm picking up on my childhood lessons of hiding again.

I know I have to write one final message to Paulo. I have to tell him, in my words, WHY I got the abortion. In fact, I may as well go into the WHY's of everything while I'm at it. I'll tell him the truth about EVERYTHING. I'll even provide sources. If he doesn't want to believe me then, he can go f**k himself. But I deserve the chance, to tell it, in my words.